one more watts: chapter five

This is the chapter where it all hits the fan, ugly crying included.

This is also where I ask you to please share this with anyone who might benefit from following our story. I had almost no one to relate to once this surprising pregnancy became our reality. The emotional solitude held me hostage; I longed for another woman who had walked the same path to reach out a hand and pull me along as I dragged my feet.

Since opening the door to our private life and sharing our story, some precious friends have come forward with testimonies of their own and the camaraderie has made all the difference. I’d like to pay it forward so please go forth and share.

fall

AN INCONVENIENT TRUTH (1/3)

Published on February 21

In an earlier post, I told you that I promised Steve I’d wait until he arrived home from his interview in New York before taking a pregnancy test.

Well, not so. The 48 hours after parting with Steve on November 19th passed in slow motion. With my sidekick gone, I was alone in my spiraling thoughts. It wasn’t pretty.

After confessing my pregnancy fears to the over enthusiastic Beiber groupies overseas (and a handful of other friends) fear camped out on Steve’s side of the mattress and kept me company both day and night.

As it turned out, it wasn’t wise to keep my promise to my man. An appointment with my beloved neurologist opened up and I’d been waiting for a chance to discuss October’s frightening seizure with her. The time had come.

You must know this: My neurologist is a hot commodity. Getting an appointment with her is like scoring a walk-in cut and colour with an A-list celebrity stylist. To sit in her presence and neglect to discuss how a potential pregnancy would stir things up–solely to keep a promise to Steve–would have been foolish.

So I threw down money at the pharmacy, bought a test, and smuggled it out of the store in my narrow purse. I vowed to take it the following morning.

test

AN INCONVENIENT TRUTH (2/3)

Published on February 21

Fear and dread wrestled with me that night. I couldn’t sleep so I got out of bed to message the Beliebers, my cherished squad from our days in Scotland.

“Still weird boobs and no sign of anything, ladies. I’m doing a test in the morning. Seriously, I’m terrified.

I know in my head that God has this sorted – He has BLOWN US AWAY with His poetic provisions for housing and work for me etc and He will remain faithful to keep His promises—but if I am really pregnant…..oh my word. I will sob. I really will.

Joy will come eventually but I will need to grieve the loss of momentum to this place of feeling sound, stable, and strong.

I’m afraid of losing sleep with a newborn.
I’m afraid of having seizures.
I’m afraid Steve will get the job and we’ll be raising a baby far from family again.
I’m afraid Steve WON’T get the job and we’ll be strapped for cash without a long-term home.
I’m afraid I won’t be able to write my book this year like I planned.
I’m afraid of travel complications- our trip to Australia will be infinitely more uncomfortable on the plane, if I’m allowed to fly at all, and we are supposed to be living in Knoxville for five weeks. Hello, doctor appointments. That would be interesting.

Ahhhhhh. Please, Lord. I’m so scared.”

My Beiber friend Kari is a nurse and now lives in Burbank, CA. We are timezone buddies. She encouraged me to take the test on the spot to put my mind at ease and offered to stand by on Messenger.

1.4 seconds.

That’s roughly how long it took this test to develop and spit back my fears in my face.

crying

AN INCONVENIENT TRUTH (3/3)

Published on February 21

That’s when the steaming salty tears let loose and paraded down my cheeks. I was shaking in disbelief, sobbing silently alone in my parents’ bathroom while the rest of the house was asleep. And Steve was miles away from home sleeping soundly in New York.

I won’t dwell here. To be honest, I wasn’t sure if I ought to share this much. Many friends have struggled to conceive and our fluke pregnancy would have been a dream come true for them AND for us as their friends standing by in awe and praise. I get that and I don’t want to come off as insensitive—or worse, ungrateful—for this precious little plot twist blooming inside. We are now very grateful indeed.

But in that moment, my prayers were not that of Virgin Mary. The “How can this be?!” question was there alright but my spirit wasn’t ready to submit and say, “Behold, I am the servant of the Lord; let it be to me according to your word.” I was furious and confused and terrified.

So I’m sharing this to make space at the table for any other woman who has experienced this form of grief and felt shame for feeling anything but maternal bliss when confronted with an undesired positive pregnancy test. I’m right beside you.

Ah. There.

Friends! Guess what?! The best is yet to come! God is so faithful to redeem and restore broken hearts. The story gets so sweet from here. Just you wait.

One thought on “one more watts: chapter five

  1. heathersartstudio says:

    This is an amazing story! How brave of you to share your deepest fears, trembling anxieties and unexpected life-changing story with the world. Your gift for writing is stunning. Simply stunning. Your book will be beyond wonderful, I just know it! Hugs to you, Elissa Joy!

    Like

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